You're probably asking (because you care so much about my life) why has Andrea failed to post when she had her egg retrieval two days ago?! Isn't that a monumental occasion that deserves immediate blog attention?!

Well, if I would have posted, it would have gone something like this:

Kill me. Kill me now. Hey stranger on the street, can you please kill me.

Ouch-i-hua-hua! Egg retrieval really smarted. Maybe I'm just a weenie. Probably.

So here's how the egg retrieval went:
-Arrive at RE's office at 8:30AM.
-Offer to give husband's semen sample to receptionist who looks at it like EWWWW
GROSS and tells us to just hold onto it.
-Taken back to recovery room, still holding semen sample.
-Wait for 45 minutes obsessively believing that semen sample is dying a slow
death because no one took it from us and put it in the special place where
semen samples go.
-During 45 minute wait, husband and I entertain ourselves by doing dramatic
interpretations of easy listening music coming through recovery room
speakers.
-Nurse (maybe she was a nurse. Sorry Jamie if you are something more
important....) asks if someone took our semen sample. We say no and she acts
shocked. Husband and I convinced that receptionist bitch killed our unborn
children by refusing to take icky semen sample. Fuck you receptionist bitch.
-Nurse convinces us that semen sample is fine and bitch receptionist is not a
murderer.
-Asked to change into hospital gown. Moon everyone.
-Given IV in the side of my wrist. I comment to anesthesiologist that side of
wrist location is weird and painful. Snarky anesthesiologist says, "I could
pull it out and give you a new one somewhere else, but then you would just hurt
in two places." Touche snarky anesthesiologist.
-Taken to procedure room.
-Fall asleep immediately.
-Wake up in recovery room. First question to nurse: How many eggs did you
get? Response: 25. Me: Would do white girl dance if I thought I wouldn't
fall over, bang my head on weird hospital bed, die and never have children
anyway.

This post is getting unreasonably long. That's what happens when two days go by with no blog entry.

Moral of the story: 25 eggs retrieved. When I called yesterday, they said 12 eggs had fertilized but more could fertilize in the next day. I will let you know when I know.

Thanks for caring,

Andrea

What?! A positive prego test?!

So, what is this picture of, you ask. Why has this silly, whiny bitch been complaining ad nauseum about her infertility woes when, gasp, she’s PREGNANT?!

Well, let me explain… FALSE POSITIVE, DUH! This is just one of the marvels of modern fertility medicine. So last night I injected myself with my “trigger shot.” This trigger shot, containing hCG, will make me ovulate in 36 hours which roughly coincides with the time of my egg retrieval. My doctor explained that hCG is the thingy (non-technical term) released by the placenta after an embryo implants. Pregnant women pee it out after conception. Hence, the piss test. Who knew that this shit could make you ovulate?! Crazy!

So, you know me (or not)… my curiosity got the best of me and I had to spend the next 12 hours obsessively Googling hCG Trigger Shot to find out what it is, what it does, etc., etc.

Let me copy and paste:

Because of its similarity to LH, hCG can also be used clinically to induce ovulation in the ovaries. As the most abundant biological source is women who are presently pregnant, some organizations collect urine from pregnant women to extract hCG for use in fertility treatment.

(gotta love wiki! Emphasis added by me)

Yes, that's right my dear readers. Last night I injected myself with the powdered piss of a pregnant woman. I can't decide if that's cool or if it just adds insult to injury. So, not only can you fertile bitches conceive naturally, accidentally, whatever, your nasty stinky pee-pee contains a magical elixir that can make my infertile ass ovulate. I would just like to say FUCK YOU AND YOUR FERTILITY, but I humbly thank you for your pee-pee....

Sincerely, your angry in-fer-tile,

Andrea